he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
