our cab driver is having phone sex.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
