so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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