No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
