John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
