Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
