I wanna bring you to show and tell
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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