also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
