A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
