So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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