New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
