Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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