my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The air was thick with penises
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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