So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How does one acquire holy water?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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