apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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