I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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