do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Randomize
