I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
