I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
