May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
