my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
