Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
