first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
