i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
