Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
