So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
