I didn't shave. On purpose
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
