My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
