I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
