I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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