Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
