i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
