I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
