Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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