Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
