i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
