I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
