my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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