he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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