we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize