dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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