So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
