so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
