So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
