My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
