I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
