I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
