I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
did i walk over a car last night?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
