Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
