That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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