very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i barfeds in our rink
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
